Invisible wounds - Psychological abuse cuts deep
Image - from Pexels (by Trung Nguyen)
TRUE STORY: One woman shares her experience of psychological abuse from her husband and the struggle she has faced to get safe. She reached out for help but no one believed her. She writes that friends, family, Police and those working in the Family Court do not understand psychological abuse and coercive control and the impact it has on victim-survivors. She hopes that more is done to improve the understanding of and response to psychological abuse so that other victim-survivors don’t go through what she has. She advocates that victim-survivors keep believing their own experiences are real and don’t give up demanding protection from abuse.
I experienced abuse for more than 15 years from a man who controlled, demeaned, isolated, abused and over worked me.
In hindsight, I can see that his control of me started at the very beginning. He proposed to me not long after we met and he wanted to get married very quickly. At the time I thought that was because he loved me, but now I know it was really that he wanted to marry me so that he could own me. I had no family or friends at our wedding because he said it would be too expensive to have them attend. He chose my wedding dress and he chose my bridesmaid. I was so blindly in love, I agreed to all his plans.
“Two days after we got married he changed completely. ”
While we were dating, he treated me like a princess buying me new clothes, hair appointments and taking me out for dinner all the time. Two days after we got married he changed completely. I had no idea what to do. My English was very limited and I knew that nobody would believe me because he always came across as being so nice when we were in public.
He was a master of psychological abuse and he used a range of techniques to control me.
He held me captive – using my lack of citizenship and custody of our children as a weapon. He kept repeating to me that if I left him, I would not get our children as I am only a resident in New Zealand and not a citizen. Whenever I asked him if I could apply for citizenship, he told me that it was a waste of money and I did not need it. I didn’t think much of it at the time, but now I understand why he said that. He wanted to control me.
He isolated me from friends, family and people who might support me. I never had my own phone as he told me that it would be a waste of money. He knew I was money conscious (I came from poor family), and he always used this against me. When people and my family asked me why I didn’t have a phone I used to say, I didn’t need one. When our home phone rang he would tell me not to answer it as nobody would understand my silly accent.
He was possessive and jealous which meant I became even more isolated from other people. If one of his friends would talk nicely to me he would get jealous and that friendship would be over. He would say that this particular person had done some bad things to him and that he didn’t want to be his friend anymore. That person would never be spoken about again.
He financially controlled me and used me to work on incredibly physically demanding jobs in our business. However, he never included my name on the business records and so now I have nothing to show for 15 years working in the business.
He manipulated me by saying he was depressed and suicidal. He went on antidepressants and made me look after him and do all the work for our business. He often threatened to hurt or kill himself as a way to control me and the children. When he felt insecure that I was pulling away from him he would threaten to kill himself even if that meant killing us too (driving dangerously). I would comfort him and I would be extremely affectionate so he didn’t hurt us.
He put me down and called me names. He would tell me that I was fat (I was size 10) and that I was not allowed to wear a bikini in public. When we went out, if he thought I wasn’t happy enough or perfectly dressed (to his liking) when we returned home he would tell me in such a degrading way that I had disappointed him and that this was never to happen again.
He got very angry. I think sometimes he sensed his anger would drive me away. At these times he would book us in to see a counsellor of his choice. When we were in the counselling, he would be so nice and say over and over again how sorry he was. He said sorry so often that I believed him. He told me how much he loved me and I believed him. He kept saying these things until he felt safe that I had believed him. Then the abuse began again.
In retrospect, I can see that the counselling kept me in that relationship and it did nothing to help me or my children be safer. When I look back over many years, I can see that after every series of counselling we did, his abuse got even worse than before.
No one believed me about the abuse
I didn’t speak up about the abuse at the start. I was ashamed. Most of all I didn’t want to admit it was happening. He was such a nice guy in front of his friends (I didn’t have any of my own) and his family. He was this handsome, tall, businessman who was successful. Everyone in our community thought he was so much fun.
“He was this handsome, tall, businessman who was successful. Everyone in our community thought he was so much fun. ”
I didn’t want to disappoint my overseas parents. They keep reminding me how lucky I was to have such a caring husband who would support me to stay at home. He always presented himself as such a polite and kind person in front of my family. He never raised his voice or did anything to show his anger.
I tried to tell my mum one day that he stopped me seeing other people or how he controlled where I went and what I did. She said New Zealand was a different culture and he was nice, so get used to it. So, I did.
It wasn’t just friends and family who did not believe me about what was happening. I tried to leave and I went to the Police for help. The Police told me that there was not enough evidence to prove the psychological abuse.
“I clearly remember that one of the police officers told me something that I will never forget. He said - If you had a black eye, bruises or broken arm, it would be easy, but with only your words you can’t win. It’s his word against yours and who do you think the judge will believe?”
I clearly remember that one of the police officers told me something that I will never forget. He said, " If you had a black eye, bruises or broken arm, it would be easy, but with only your words you can't win. It’s his word against yours and who do you think the judge will believe?” I went back to the police a second time and I got the same response from them so I stopped looking for help.
I finally got the courage to leave but leaving did not provide the safety I thought it would. This wasn’t the end of the abuse – it was only the beginning of another chapter of it.
Help was hard to find
“The struggle I have endured to try and get safe has been the hardest fight of my life. I am constantly told that because there is no ‘proof’ of the psychological abuse there is no protection for me. I have been told by judges, lawyers, friends and family that I can’t do this or I can’t do that because it’s only my word against his.”
My children and I were so scared when we left. Some kind people gave us shelter. I had a Police Safety Order that lasted 72 hours but I needed to find a lawyer who could help me apply for Legal Aid so I could apply for a permanent Protection Order. I found a fantastic lawyer and she helped me write affidavits. But it was all so rushed and I left out important facts at the time. In hindsight, I needed to put more detailed information in them, as months later I disclosed something to the judge that I had remembered later and they didn't believe me as it wasn't in the original affidavit. I argued the point that I just remembered, but they still twisted it and told me I was a liar. I think that the law and judges need to understand that victim-survivors who are escaping violence and abuse struggle to remember all the details until later on.
I was so relieved to be granted a Protection Order by the Court as I had no Plan B. Regrettably I was pressured by my lawyer to drop the Protection Order two months later and accept an undertaking instead. The undertakings had the same conditions as the Protection Order but there was no legal recourse when he breached the undertaking. I know he has been stalking me, but I am unable to prove it. I know when he is watching me as I get these hairs standing on my neck. I feel his presence, but I can't prove it.
I am pressured constantly by him and his lawyer. He was sending me multiple emails each day and was trying to bully me into agreeing to things that I did not want. He plays mind games with me, one day pretending to be really nice and then threatening me with a court hearing. He knows I have no money and my legal aid application was declined. Now I am fighting to keep my children safe and to make sure we have a home to live in.
My ex wants to have my children overnight and more often. The Lawyer for Child was telling my children that they must have more time (week on/off) with their father but that lawyer didn't even bother to look at the father's background. Luckily the contact time was not increased by the Judge. However, my children are forced to see their father weekly and tell me they do not want to go. They are still scared of their father, and always return from contact quiet and sad. My children told me the other day, that they can't wait for the day when they are old enough so they don't have to see their father.
Even my own lawyer has pressured me to do things I don’t want to do because they think that taking the path of least resistance (agreeing to his terms in mediation) will at least result in a final order being made. I have felt pushed into a corner by my own lawyer. I have been told that important evidence should not be included in the proceedings and that I can’t get specialist reports that will help show the impact of his abuse on me and my children. But I have continued to push for this evidence to be included because they prove our truth.
The struggle I have endured to try and get safe has been the hardest fight of my life. I am constantly told that because there is no ‘proof’ of the psychological abuse there is no protection for me. I have been told by judges, lawyers, friends and family that I can't do this or I can't do that because it's only my word against his.
The abuse has had an enormous impact on me and my children
I don’t think the psychological abuse from this man will ever end. I used to be scared that he would kill me one day as he can't stand the fact that I am no longer his.
The abuse I have suffered was largely psychological and sexual. It did not leave marks or obvious signs on me that people might notice. But his abuse has impacted on me heavily and has influenced the person I am now. These are just some of the ways that the abuse continues to hurt me and my children;
I am scared to trust my own judgment
I have very low self-esteem
I struggle to look at myself in the mirror
I never feel I’ve done enough work each day to be entitled to a happy life
I am scared to go to sleep, just in case I wake up next to him again
I still have no relationship with my mum as she is extremely disappointed in me for not sticking to my marriage- in her eyes it’s my fault
I am in a relationship with a new man who is not abusive, but from the beginning I always waited for him to treat me like my ex. When my new partner was nice to me, I would subconsciously wait for the next explosion, but luckily that never came
I still struggle to share my own opinion on things
I try to please everyone first even it takes it out of me
I suffer from serious physical injuries to my body which are a result of the demanding physical work my ex made me do over many years
My children are still insecure in their appearance as their father always puts them down
My children only recently stopped having nightmares and wetting the bed
My children do not trust many people
One child gets shaky when they hear raised voices
My children find it really hard to say ‘no’ to anyone because they are scared of being punished for doing so.
Society needs to understand psychological abuse and coercive control in order to help victim-survivors to get safe
It is critical that the people working in the Family Court and the Police understand psychological abuse and the impact it has on women and children. I wish they had believed me. It is so incredibly difficult for women who have experienced abuse to battle the system that should be protecting us but doesn’t.
“It is so incredibly difficult for women who have experienced abuse to battle the system that should be protecting us but doesn’t. ”
The rest of society also needs to understand psychological abuse and look out for signs of it happening.
Families that look perfect can be families where abuse and violence is happening. My family looked perfect from the outside but it was painted that way to hide the truth of psychological abuse and hurt. I had strangers from my children’s school come to me after the separation and tell me that they always thought we were such a perfect happy couple.
If the life of your friend/ neighbour/ co-worker looks too perfect all the time then ask yourself if it is real. Life without ups and downs is not a reality. A woman asked me out of the blue one day (just after I left my ex), Are you OK? She was a total stranger. But her question was enough for me to lift my eyes and say:” No, I am not.” She took me out for a coffee and told me that she could see I was sad and hurt and fearful and she understood as she had gone through a similar experience to me. This meant so much to me – to be believed and understood.
Children show signs of living in an abusive home too – even when the abuse is not physical. I want people to keep an eye out for these children. They might be the children who you see at school or day-care being shy too often or the children who are always nervous around others. They might cling to you even though you are a stranger and have deep sadness in their eyes. Please understand that there is often a reason why they are like this, they just don’t know how to talk about what is happening at home or they do not understand why their family is like this.
Believing in myself has given me strength
My experience of the abuse was real and when I started to understand the psychological abuse and its impact on me, I could hold onto that truth and it gave me strength. That understanding got me through the days ahead and it still gives me strength to this day.
“You lived it, you know what it was like to be abused. Maybe it’s not visible to the naked eye, but that doesn’t make it any less real. It’s your truth and don’t give up hope.””
The only thing that is left for me is the TRUTH.
My personal advice to other victim-survivors is simple.
Listen to your gut
Do not feel guilty or sorry for him. Some people confuse kindness for weakness and prey on that - sadly that was my experience with my abusive husband
Just because someone has an opinion of you it doesn’t mean that it’s YOUR truth
Be honest (don't make things up, worse or better) just accept the truth and fight for it
If one person says that is not possible, find someone else until you get what you need
Don’t ever stop believing in your rights, and in yourself. Even if the law or Family Court don’t believe you, you are the one who knows the truth. Do not stop until you are safe
The hard times are not here to stay - they can make you stronger and they will pass
Find the smallest thing to hold onto (in my case my children) and fight for it.
For other women who are victim-survivors who might be reading this, I want to say “You lived it, you know what it was like to be abused. Maybe it's not visible to the naked eye, but that doesn't make it any less real. It’s your truth and don’t give up hope.”
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about the backbone collective
New Zealand has the highest rate of women experiencing violence and abuse in the developed world, which is due in part to our broken response system.
The Backbone Collective is an independent body taking action to change New Zealand's dire statistics by examining the response system through the eyes of its users - women who have experienced violence and abuse.
Please join us as either a woman who has experienced violence or abuse, or as a volunteer who wants to help by volunteering your time, services or expertise.
Many reports have been written about where the system is broken but they have fallen on deaf ears. We think that Government and others in a position of power will start listening when hundreds, and potentially thousands, of women speak up about what needs to change.